


you're such a beautiful mess

by visixn



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: 12 Years Later, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional, Love, M/M, Mickey Uses His Words, Post-Canon, True Love, idek what this is, im just going to keep tagging angst bc its fooken sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 16:50:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11627763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/visixn/pseuds/visixn
Summary: Takes place 12 years after the border sceneIan finds out Mickey is back in town and Mickey uses his words.Two hurt boys in love that wanted nothing more than to come back to each other."I don't want to love you."





	you're such a beautiful mess

**Author's Note:**

> title is from my favourite song at the moment and it never fails to make me cry - New recording 135 by Leo
> 
> this is really sad (at least for me it is) i cried sm maybe im just overly emotional 
> 
> hope you like it!!!

Ian had a constricting feeling in his chest throughout the day that he didn’t understand. It was bugging him during his shift at the fire department and it didn’t loosen as he baked cookies for his family. The Gallaghers may have all went their separate ways in life, but they made sure to get together for dinner at least once a month. The house was only inhabited by Fiona now, with her husband David and her son Jack, while everyone else moved out. Lip was living with his girlfriend of 7 years in an apartment just outside of the Southside, Debbie in a studio apartment alone in the North side focusing on her career as an interior designer, Liam was at college staying in the dorms and Carl, in an apartment right across Ian’s, with his wife and daughter. Their apartment wasn’t too far from their childhood home, but far enough to be clear of the dangerous streets and to live a comfortable lifestyle.

 

Things were good. Incomplete. But good.

 

Ian had many relationships, probably _too_ many. But nobody he has ever met could be _him_. He was the missing puzzle piece in his life and Ian gave up on trying to squeeze in pieces that didn’t fit. So he focused on his job and maintaining his mental health. He was good.

 

He stepped out of the apartment at the exact time Carl did and he smiled.

 

“You driving?” Ian asked.

 

“Nah man, you drive. Don’t wanna waste my gas.” Carl grinned and Ian shook his head. “Fucking tight-ass.” They both chuckled.

 

“Cora and Leah aren’t coming?” Carl shook his head.

 

“Leah’s sick and Cora thought it’d be better if they stayed home. The little princess gets a little bratty when she’s sick.” Ian admired the soft smile that appeared on Carl’s face as he talked about his wife and kid. He would be lying if he said he didn’t feel a little pang of loneliness.

 

“I wonder who spoiled her?” Ian teased.

 

“It’s all your fuckin’ fault man.”

 

They walked into the garage and towards Ian’s car when Carl groaned loudly.

 

“Dude, when are you going to change your car? You can afford so much more now, why do you prefer to suffer?”

 

“Okay, fuck you. It takes me where I need to go. Ill buy a new one when it dies on me but so far so good.” Ian smirked, patting the roof of his 2003 Impreza. Carl’s eye roll made Ian laugh and they began driving towards the Gallagher house engaged in playful brotherly banter.

  
  
- 

 

Ian walked into the house with a container of cookies in his hands (yes, he became that guy) and Carl following close behind. The house looked so different yet exactly the same as it always had at the same time. It was cleaner and much more...fixed. No holes in the walls and no chipped off paint. The furniture was newer and more framed pictures was hung – mostly of Jack. It still had the same nostalgic smell and vibe. Sometimes he fucking misses the good ol’ days. He misses being a kid and not caring about anything other than having fun. He’s bewildered when he feels a knot in his throat all of a sudden and quickly makes his way to the kitchen before he does something embarrassing like _cry_ , not realising that he was standing in the living room just looking around.

 

_What the fuck is wrong with me today?_

 

He saw Fiona setting the last bit of food on the dining table as he placed the cookies on the counter. Jack was sitting on his highchair blabbering and making a mess with his food. Lip was in a conversation with Carl while Debbie was heatedly explaining something to Lip’s girlfriend Mia.

 

“Ian!” Fiona wrapped her arms around Ian tightly and he returned her hug.

 

“Hey guys.” he sat at the table, across Lip and beside Carl.

 

“What, no hug for your big brother?” Lip commented. Ian rolled his eyes before reaching over the table and grabbing Lip from behind the neck and pulling him in for a quick hug.

 

“Hey, where are Liam and David?” Ian asked Fiona when he noticed their absence.

 

“Liam had finals so he couldn’t make it. Dave had to stay late at the office but he should be back soon-“ just as she said that, the front door opened and in walked David.

 

“Hello everyone. Sorry I’m late. Had some shit to sort out at the office. Nice to see you all!” He said as he sat down at the table. David is a really nice guy who owns a successful furniture business a bit away from the Southside. When Ian had first met him, he thought David was some North side pussy. But he realised that the guy doesn’t take anyone’s shit no matter where they’re from. He’s pretty cool.

 

They all engaged in conversation as they dug into their dinner.

 

 

-

 

 

After eating their food, they all situated themselves in the living room enjoying a beer when Lip began to speak.

 

“So Ian, you never mentioned anything about M-“ He abruptly stopped when Fiona kicked him in the shin from the seat perpendicular to his.

 

“What? I thought he fuckin’ knew?” Lip whispered to Fiona.

 

Ian raised his eyes in question at the exchange between them.

 

“I never mentioned anything about what?” Ian asked. Fiona ran a hand through her hair, looking at me while Lip just scratched the back of his neck almost like he was contemplating if he should speak.

 

“Spit it out, Lip.” Ian pressed.

 

“Well...there are rumours that Mickey’s back in town.”

 

He heard Carl choke on his beer from his left but Ian went completely motionless at his words.  _Mickey is back?_

Debbie scoffed. “It isn’t a rumour. Fiona saw him at the Alibi.”

 

“Debbie!” Fiona exclaimed.

 

“Wait wait wait. Mickey came back and nobody thought to fucking tell me?” Ian felt his volume rise so he took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair.

 

“I thought you knew about it. Thought you didn’t say anything because you didn’t care anymore. I mean, it’s been ten years-“

 

“Twelve.” He was quick to correct him. Twelve long fucking years without seeing or hearing from him. Twelve years and not a day went passed in those years where he didn’t think of him.

 

“Wait, so you _all_ knew about this and none of you told me?” He looked at all his siblings’ faces and they all had the decency to look guilty except Carl, who had his hands raised in surrender.

 

“I didn’t know, I swear. I’m just as shocked as you are.”

 

Ian laughed in astonishment at his family for keeping _this_ from him, before standing up and walking out the back door. He took a seat on the steps, releasing a shaky breath as he felt his heart pound like crazy. This couldn’t be real.

 

_I’m 32 years old and you still manage to make me feel like I did when I was 15, fuck Mick._

He had stopped smoking 3 years ago but _God_ was he itching to light one up right now. You’d think that not seeing somebody or hearing anything about them for 12 years would make you forget about them, right? Wrong. God, Ian tried so fucking hard. Mickey was practically non-existent after going to Mexico. In fact, Ian wondered if he was actually a figment of his imagination. But then he’d remember the sex, the fights, the laughs, the sweet moments, fucking everything would just hit him like a pile of bricks and he’d know that it wasn’t made up. It was just his life that he let slip through the tips of his fingers.

 

_“I don’t want your fuckin’ money- I want you to come with me!”_

_“I love you.”_

_“Then get in the fuckin’ car!”_

He built a life for himself. He’s had a stable job for 13 years now. His bipolar was stable. He had his own apartment and car. He had his family close by. He had all of these things, but he knew since that day that none of this mattered if it meant Mickey wasn’t beside him. With him.

 

You can’t forget. When you love someone that is unreachable so unconditionally, you cannot forget them.

 

He has been lost in the ocean for 12 years without even realising it, and now he’s thrashing for air. He needs to breathe again. He needs his air again.

 

“I hear he’s back at the Milkovich house. I thought they sold it years ago but I guess not.”

 

It was as if Lip could hear his thoughts. Without looking back, he ran to the place his feet and heart were all too familiar with. He was in his fucking thirties and he was still chasing after the love of his life.

 

_I guess you could call me pathetic. Fuck it._

Ian can see from the window that the lights were on which meant he must be in there. God, _please be in there._

Ian didn’t know what to expect, really. Maybe a super climactic moment where he’ll come face to face with Mickey for the first time in over a decade once he opened the door. Mickey could throw him out, yell at him. Maybe he’d kiss Ian and never let him go. Ian only dreamed.

 

What he didn’t expect though was someone he had never seen before, to open the door. The man was slightly shorter than Ian, significantly tanner and much blonder. To say he was confused was an understatement. Maybe the Milkovich house really had been sold and Lip got it wrong?

 

“Uh...hi?” The guy said, though his greeting came out questioning and confused.

 

“Hey, uh, sorry. I was just looking for someone- they used to live here? Guess not anymore.” He rambled, feeling too disappointed about the fact that Mickey wasn’t there and just wanted to go home and curl up in bed.

 

“Who’re you looking for?” Ian then noticed his accent – Hispanic.

 

“Mickey Milkovich. You won’t know him, I guess. He’s been gone for year-“

 

“Oh! Mickey’s in the shower.” He just noticed the faint sound of water running as he said it, “he should be out soon. You can wait in here.” The stranger moved away from the door, an invitation for Ian to go in.

 

It was awkward, for Ian at least, as he took a seat on the couch. The inside of the house was completely different than he last saw it. The furniture was new, the TV was mounted on the wall and the house overall was completely clean, unlike the messy state it would constantly be in before. His position on the couch had his back facing the rooms so if Mickey were to come out he wouldn’t see him immediately. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not yet.

 

“My name is Enrico. You’re Ian Gallagher, right?”

 

Ian’s eyes widened. How did he-

 

“I’ve heard a lot about you. The man who left his querido at Mexico border.” He commented so casually as he drank from a bottle of beer. His words stung and the guilt that never loosened its grip on him for years felt overwhelmingly tight in his throat for a moment.

 

He needed to change the subject, and also know what Enrico was to Mickey. He cleared his throat before speaking.

 

“So...you a close friend of Mickey’s?”

 

Enrico chuckled, before answering. “I wouldn’t say friends. We’re much more than that. Known my gruñón for almost 4 years now.”

 

Oh.

 

Something about the way he said ‘my gruñón’ didn’t settle right with Ian. Heck, he didn’t know what the fuck that meant but it sounded intimate.

 

It had absolutely no right to, but his heart broke a little. He couldn’t blame Mickey. He wasn’t going to wait 12 years for a man who left him all alone to fend for himself in a foreign country where he planned a future together. He just wished it didn’t feel like someone stabbed a fucking machete through his chest.

 

It was silent for a moment.

 

 

“You love him?” Ian found himself asking. His eyes were glued to the carpet, not wanting to see a smug facial expression on the man in front of him.

 

“’Course.”

 

“Does he love you?”

 

“I hope so. You can’t really tell with that motherfucker, right?” Enrico laughed, but Ian wasn’t in the mood to laugh at his joke.

 

He hoped Enrico didn’t see the stubborn tear that fell down his cheek.

 

He quickly wiped his face with the back of his hand and stood up. The room felt constricting on his lungs and his skin was crawling.

 

“Uh, I’m just gonna-“

 

“Going without saying hello, Gallagher?”

 

He didn’t even notice the shower had stopped, nor did he notice the presence behind him until he spoke. His voice. Fuck. Hearing his voice felt like everything yet nothing he had every imagined before. The sound of his voice alone saved him from the ocean he was drowning in. He took a deep breath as he turned around. His eyes were the first things he noticed. The same blue eyes that made him fall in love with the man in front of him years ago, the same blue eyes that were looking at him softly right now. Then he noticed his skin – it was no longer a milky white, but a light golden tan. His hair was black as always, shaved on the sides and long at the top.

 

He was the most beautiful thing Ian has ever seen, has always been and will continue to be the most beautiful thing he will ever see.

 

Mickey’s eyes shifted to Ian’s left, presumably looking at Enrico.

 

“Vazquez, stop fucking with him. Get the fuck outta the house for a bit. Quiero hablar con él en privado.”

 

Mickey speaking Spanish was undoubtedly the sexiest thing he has ever heard.

 

“Alright papi, I’ll be at the Alibi. I really like it there. Everyone is fucking hilarious. See you, Ian Gallagher.” Ian heard the door close shut but he didn’t bother to look because he couldn’t keep his eyes off Mickey. Their eyes met once again in the shrilling silence of the house.

 

“Sorry ‘bout Enrico, he was just messing around. We’re not...” he paused. The air felt a little awkward.

 

“Oh...so you guys aren’t?”

 

“No.”

 

Ian was happy to hear that.

 

“I know I have no right to say this but, uh, I’m glad you’re not, you know, with someone.” Ian cleared his throat. His heart was going to beat out of his chest from nervousness. Being in front of Mickey after all these years was making him feel the best and the worst in every way possible.

 

He forgot what feeling was like until this moment.

 

“Never said I wasn’t in a relationship.” Mickey commented. His face showed no emotion. Ian felt his heart sink once again and he stuttered out an, “Oh.”

 

Mickey smirked, “I’m kidding.”

 

He turned around and went to grab a beer from the fridge. However, he paused for a few seconds, his back still turned to Ian, before he spoke.

 

“You just don’t fucking get it, do you?” There was a slight tremor in Mickey’s voice, as if he was trying to keep himself together.

 

Ian was trying so fucking hard to do the same.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Mickey sighed, sniffed, put the beer he just grabbed down on the counter – as if he got it for the sole purpose of distracting himself – before turning around. His eyes were red rimmed and glassy with tears threatening to fall loose.

 

“Nobody is like you, don’t you fucking get that?” Mickey slowly took a few steps closer, now standing just a few metres away from Ian.

 

God damn it, Ian’s tears were just so eager to fall today.

 

“I’ve loved you like crazy since I was a fuckin’ kid. Since I was 16 years old. I don’t want to anymore.” Both men were standing in front of each after, after 12 years apart, feeling their hearts bleed out in the palm of their hands and could not do anything to stop it.

 

Ian let out a sob and put his palm against his mouth to stop himself, shaking his head at Mickey’s words.

 

“Don’t-“

 

“I’m thirty-four years old and I’ve only ever loved you, it’s fucking bullshit! I haven’t seen you or heard from you in twelve fucking years, but here I am falling for you all over again. Fuck!” Mickey got choked up and pressed the palm of his hands in his eyes to stop his crying. He hasn’t changed a fucking bit. But Ian can also see the biggest change he never thought he’d see. There he was, Mickey fucking Milkovich, pouring his heart and soul out for a man he was in love with. If someone told Ian that would happen to him when he was 15 years old, he would’ve laughed in their face.

 

 _“I don’t want to love you.”_ Mickey whimpered out. Ian closed the space between them and wrapped his arms so tightly around Mickey that he left no room for air to get in between them. Their wet faces were staining the other’s shirt collars as they both rested their faces in the crook of each other’s necks.

 

“Shh” Ian whispered in between his crying, hoping to silence Mickey’s tears –mostly his own. They stayed just like that, inhaling each other’s scent, nostalgia crashing into them like violent waves. They stayed in that exact position, even as the tears stopped. Both just remembering what coming home felt like.

 

“I love you so fucking much. You’re not going anywhere, you hear me? You’re stuck with me for the rest of our lives. Got that, asshole?” Ian said, smiling when he felt Mickey’s chuckle and nod against his shoulder.

 

“Welcome home, Mick.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> btw all the spanish stuff were from google translate so if you speak spanish i sincerely apologise if it is horrifyingly wong or doesnt make sense hahaha but here is what i used and its meaning (or at least what i hope it means) for those who do not:
> 
> querido - lover
> 
> gruñón - grumpy
> 
> Quiero hablar con él en privado - I want to talk to him in private
> 
> papi - daddy
> 
> yes i made Enrico call Mickey daddy i love him sm
> 
>  
> 
> also  
> i mightttttttt write a small part 2 - maybe just a cute light hearted one of them talking and joking around but idk let me know if you guys liked it :) xx


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